The Short Miserable Lives of Mobs Against Players
by HPE24 and Eta7400
Summary: The monsters are way more civilised than we knew before... A story of monsters and mobs working tiredlessly to bring an end to unaware players of Minecraft, which somehow all fails miserably. Discover the reason why this story is set as Humor/Tragedy and read along the pathetic efforts of mobs rebelling against players. Rated T for some violence and swearing.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**

**HPE24: Hello, everybody! This is HarryPotterEncyclopedia24!**

**Eta7400: *smirk* Or so you say.**

**HPE24: Hey, what about it? I'm introducing myself.**

**Eta7400: *ignoring* Hello, people, I am Eta7400 and I have a HarryPotterEncyclopedia next to me.**

**HPE24: That thing is a person.**

**Eta7400: So what, are you the 24th Edition? *smirk***

**HPE24: You know perfectly well that the number is my birthday date.**

**Eta7400: Yah yah. Whatever.**

**HPE24: *sigh* Anyway-**

**Eta7400: YOUR HOPELESS!**

**HPE24: SHUT THE HELL UP!**

**Eta7400: I am not an all-powerful being that can shut hell up! MUCH LESS BELIEVE IN HELL!**

**HPE24: I KNOW THAT. I was just saying. As I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted by my younger brother, we do not own Minecraft.**

**Eta7400: Just get on with the intro will you? Start the darn f***ing story already.**

**HPE24: Didn't I tell you every Fanfiction writers need to make disclaimers before starting the story?**

**Eta7400: No.**

**HPE24: Last time I checked, I did. Still, Mojang company owns the game, not us.**

**X**

The light flicked on, and shadows of tall beings began to appear. They were all sitting on a long table, with one figure sitting on the end of a table. Once he acknowledged of the other's presence, he began to speak.

"So far, our attempts are fruitless," he hissed. "Are there any other ways we can do this?"

"Hmm, I suggested everything I could," somebody piped up. All eyes focused on him immediately.

"Did you, now?" the first one hissed again. "Then, you are to be proven useless."

The second guy paled right away. "No no, I didn't mean that! It's just, I have a hard time thinking up of ideas."

"Very well, then I shall ask others." He turned to the figure closest to him. "Any suggestions on bringing the players to their downfall?"

The guy grinned evilly. "Of course, Creeper. I sent out spies to report their daily actions."

"When you say spies, do you mean..." he trailed off.

"Yes! It is the SCU!" the dude spoke up excitedly. "We all know what that means!"

Everybody simply stared at him. "Really dude?" someone called. "Really?"

"Come on, comrades!" the third guy whined. "They are the best spy organisation we have. Oh wait, incoming signal!" Their eyes were trained on a huge big monitor screen, which began to act up. A bar suddenly appeared, with the caption INCOMING SIGNAL, PLEASE WAIT WHILE IT'S LOADING. The bar was replaced by a variety of sections displaying a map showing coordinates, with the biggest one having a zigzagged line working across it. The topmost box contained, C: B-09.

"Main base, main base, do you copy? This is C: B-09, reporting for duties," a voice came from the speaker.

"C: B-09, this is main base," the Creeper answered. "Status report?"

"I am currently STALKING-" C:B-09 emphasised 'stalking, "the players. they have entered a NPC village, blew up the well, a tower, then the priest and Player: CheapFloozie2Gassy are mating and producing more kiddies between themselves at the coordinates x: -298, Y: 24, z: 383." The monsters were met with awkward silence.

"Uh, right," the Creeper said. "Too many details, don't you think, soldier?"

"I was doing my job," the spy shrugged. "But, yeah, the players are at the NPC village, wreaking havoc in there."

"This is outrageous!" one of the members burst out. "The players have gone too far, and now they are harassing our fellow mobs! We should put a stop to this."

"I thought you loved EATING villagers, not protecting them," the other one piped up.

"Yeah, that's what you do for your free time, Zombie," another guy accused him.

"Mmm, I just love the way they scream," the Zombie said dreamily. "And they just taste like-" He was stopped by others glaring at him.

"Concentrate on our task, comrade!" the Creeper hissed.

"Which is?" asked a member.

"It's obvious. Ambush the players with our forces," he snorted. "What else?"

"Yeah, you douche," said the Skeleton.

"Well, it could have been chewing a bread..." mumbled the Douche.

"That is the stupidest mission I've ever heard in my whole entire life," said the Zombie.

"ENOUGH!" the Creeper yelled. "By the order of the Ender Dragon, we are to attack the players TODAY. No excuses."

Everybody fell silent, waiting for someone to speak up.

"Right," the Creeper fumed. "Any volunteers?"

"Oooh, mee!" a guy at the end of the table stood up.

Everybody sniggered, even the Creeper. "You are no match for the players, Silverfish," he chuckled. "Everybody knows that."

The Silverfish sat down, looking immensely disappointed and embarrassed.

"HELLO?" the spy spoke up. "AM I FORGOTTEN OR SOMETHING?"

"Oh shut up, chicken," the Skeleton said, bored. "You can't kill them with an arrow or something."

"Better," the voice said. "I CAN PUSH THEM OFF THE CLIFF."

The monsters considered his suggestion. "Are there any nearby cliffs on that region?"

There was a slight pause, and the voice spoke again, "No..." he trailed off.

The Zombie snorted. "You are good as nothing, then," he said coldly.

"Wait," the voice said frantically. "There IS a place I can push them off."

"Oh? Where is it?" the Skeleton asked sarcastically.

"A ravine."

"NICE!" the Zombie yelled. "So what now?"

The Creeper grinned slightly. "C: B-09, I command you to lure the player to the ravine and push them off the ground. Do what ever it takes."

"Yes, sir," the chicken replied, and the screen went black.

"Do you think the bird can cope with this hazardous mission?" asked the Silverfish worriedly.

"He's a trained spy. He should be able to complete the task set before him," said the Skeleton.

**At the Players' Side...**

"Oy, Jim," called out a player. "You done with making babies yet?"

"I'm done," CheapFloozie2Gassy called out. He sprinted over to his buddies.

"Don't you think it's inappropriate?" asked another guy. "Like, the whole point of this game is to build and kill monsters, not mating and having a family."

Jim shrugged. "So? I'm testing out new features. Can't hurt that much."

"It can," the first guy muttered. "What are you going to do now, send a spider on a TNT cannon?"

"Actually, that's not bad at all. Thanks for giving me that idea, Will." Will the Minecrafter facepalmed.

One member of their gang suddenly tensed. "I hear movements," he muttered.

"Hope it's not one of those blasted creepers," Jim muttered. "The last one destroyed my piston stair!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever," Will muttered. "We're not interested in your inventions." The whole team, that is, Will, Jim, and two more people advanced slowly to the spot where they heard footsteps. It was a land covered with tall grass.

Will parted the grass to see a chicken standing right behind the bushes. It looked up from the ground, and gazed at them with slightly panicked eyes. Will thought it was the most adorable chicken he ever saw.

"FOOD," Jim muttered, pulling out an iron sword. At the sight of his blade, the chicken squawked alarmingly, and sped off, walking off to some direction. The players followed it.

"All you can think of is food?" asked Will incredulously.

"Well, duh," said Jim. "I mean, the thing's made up of meat!"

"No offense mate, but I agree with Jimmy here," one of the unnamed guys piped up. Jim growled with distaste at his new nickname.

Will rolled his eyes. "You always like food, Nathan."

"Really, Nathan? Really?" asked a guy.

"Shut up, Luke," snapped Nathan. The whole team stopped when the chicken disappeared. All they saw was a huge ravine.

"Whoa, look at that," gasped Luke. "Who knows how many irons will be down there?"

"Um, I think it's too dangerous-" Jim started, but the chicken darted out of a dirt hill and somewhat innocently, brushed past Luke.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Luke screamed as he wobbled and fell.

"NOOO!" everybody else yelled, but a sound of landing hard on stone followed quicker than they expected.

"I'm alright," he groaned from below. "Still, it wasn't that-HOLY CRAP OF MOTHER NATURE, THERE'S REDSTONE RIGHT HERE!" The sound of whooping in delight came next.

"Hmm, looks like we found some goodies thanks to the chicken," muttered Nathan, glancing at the chicken who looked as if a death sentence fell on it.

"Can I kill it?" asked Jim hopefully, raising his iron sword.

"Feel free." The player leapt from his spot, and landed hard on the chicken.

"CRITICAL HIT, MAN! BEAT THAT!" he yelled as the chicken dissolved into a feather and a piece of chicken and some experience orbs.

"That was some freakish chicken," Will mumbled. "It looked like it planned to kill one of us..."

**Back in the Monsters' Base...**

Everybody stared at the screen with blank expressions. The zigzagged line in the section was replaced by a still and straight line with no movements. Its status box now displayed the message: STATUS-DECEASED.

"Is it... dead?" asked the Silverfish

"I... can't be. It's... not possible!" stammered the guy who suggested using the SCU.

"Hmm, our little spy seemed to be off this world," said the Creeper, surprisingly unaffected by this incident. "Ah, what did I expect from a bird... foolish me..." The others looked stunned.

"You didn't?" asked short figure.

"Of course, Spider," said the Creeper. "I knew there would be something preventing us from killing the players. Once again, we have failed." Every monsters bowed their head in disappointment.

Suddenly, the screen came back online, but it wasn't the data about the dead chicken. A black background materialised on the wall, and everybody was able to see a huge black dragon staring down at them with tall black pillars behind him.

"So," the dragon breathed. "_So._"

The Creeper bowed his head. "I know what you're thinking, master, and we all truly-"

"You Overworld monsters have once again, failed to destroy the players. A DISGRACE!" he roared. The monsters quailed before him.

"P-please, master, it was because of the chicken," the Silverfish stammered. "We're pretty sure we can do better next time. And there are no one to take care of them right now in the Overworld except for us."

The Ender Dragon considered his words for a moment. "I must admit you are speaking the truth, Silverfish," he finally spoke. "But you should all know the Aether and Nether units can do better." Everybody in the room winced at the comment. "Remember to use all the forces you have, monsters of the Overworld, for every player entering this world should be _exterminated._" On the final note, he disconnected.

"It's all because of those stupid players," the Creeper said angrily. "We're all suffering our boss' wrath because of THEM. And they will pay dearly for their actions.

**At the Players' Side...**

"Aw, my ears feel ticklish," complained Jim. "I feel like we're insulted from somewhere far off."

"Nah, no one's smart enough to insult us in this blocky world," said Nathan.

"Yeah, I guess..."

X

**HPE24: All righty, that's the end of the first chapter, and hope you enjoyed, because I wrote the most of it.**

**Eta7400: Yeah, BUT, I came up with the Player username: CheapFloozie2Gassy. See, I was thinking cheapfloozie when shortly after you said it then I also remembered a minecrat real username I saw from Survival Games 2: GassyMexican. So I thought why not cheapfloozie and gassy together? And also I was doing just some random maths in my head with ratios so it came as: 'CheapFloozie:Gassy' and the ':' is pronounced as to so I made 'CheapFloozie2Gassy'**

**HPE24: Really? But that's all you did: I wrote the intro and the ending! And almost the whole thing!**

**Eta7400: WTF! I gave you PLENTY OF IDEAS AND SUGGESTIONS! I added more INTERESTING WORDS TO YOUR SENTENCES.**

**HPE24: So? I had to write while you did something else. **

**Eta7400: That's 'cause I had something ELSE to do. Some thing better**

**HPE24: *sigh* Still, I did the most of the work.**

**Eta7400: GO SCREW YOURSELF! : **

**HPE24: Maybe I'll go later. But I'm going to say the spy chicken idea is from the legendary YouTuber Paulsoaresjr.**

**Eta7400: True. That's were we first heard it. BUT, you don't know that other people might think so as well. In my class, at least 15 (which is like 7/10) agrees. And I've heard things like:**

**- Chickens are working for the nether**

**- Chickens aren't friendly**

**- Chickens are just evil**

**- Chickens are f***ng RETARDED**

**etc...**

**Oh, BTW I think 'legendary' is a bit too strong. People might disagree to it as well. It's your opinion. I do like his vids but not only his either.**

**HPE24: Well, many people call him legendary, and he's my favourite YouTuber. Still, I have survived writing in Google Documents, after all those times with you sending messages over and your annoying replies on Author's Notes.**

**Eta7400: Whatever. Anyway I get to say the good bye.**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter, had some laughs and watch out for more! Take care and good bye.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**

**HPE24: Thank you so much for your supports! I loved reading the reviews left by you guys. Heh, I'm going to get on with the story now.**

**Eta7400: No you don't.**

**HPE24: You just came in.**

**Eta7400: That's 'cause we were arguing about your habit of making a new document.**

**HPE24: Don't want to talk about it. Subject closed. Anyway, Mojang owns the awesome game.**

**Eta7400: You've said it on the previous chapter as well. And I was just pointing out why I just came in.**

**HPE24: So? I can say it every chapter. There's no law against it.**

**Eta7400: When did I say you can't?**

**HPE24: Whatever. Notch and Jeb and his awesome team created the game.**

**Eta7400: Yah, yah. Whatever. Why don't we just get on with it?**

**HPE24: I was going to. **

**X**

The Creeper glared at the Zombie, who was drumming his fingers on the smooth desk.

"Will you stop that?" he hissed, losing his patience.

"Fine. I was really bored," said the Zombie. "What are we going to do now?"

"Our task is straightforward: Ambush the players and end them."

"Yeah, it sounds _so_ easy when you say it," the Skeleton snorted. "The players may be aware of the SCU now, so we have to find a different way of approach."

"There is a cow out there," said the Spider. "Maybe we can contact him."

After a few minutes later, they were staring at the screen with all the information about the cow and his position.

"What do you see, Co: H-75?" the Spider asked.

"MOOOOOOOOO," Co: H-75 replied.

"What the shit is he talking about?" asked the Zombie.

"I was afraid this would happen," the Creeper sighed. "Translator!" he barked at the shadow.

A slime flopped out from the background, and rested right before the screen.

"Say it again," ordered the Creeper.

"MOOOOOOOOO," the cow repeated.

"Players. Village. Trading," said the slime.

"It seems that villagers are trading players," said the Zombie seriously.

"No, you idiot!" the Spider said, exasperated. "The players are trading with villagers!"

"Ooh," said the Zombie. "Figures."

"Let's get a move on then," said the Silverfish. "Send some armies and end them for good."

"Yes yes, but first, we should send a scout," said the Creeper.

"Piece of cake: you can use some of mine."

"Settled then," said the Skeleton. "Use the puny bug's servant-"

"HEY!"

"Wait," the Creeper growled. "My scout should go out. They look less suspicious than the silverfishes."

"Hey, I want to get a chance!" the Silverfish squeaked, barging out of his seat. "You have that self-explosion thing, and all I have are small teeth to bite with."

"Yeah, how cute are they?" the Zombie sneered.

The Silverfish ignored him. "And we are way smaller than you tall guys. We can easily hide in tall grass."

"Doesn't matter, because whenever the scouts are discovered, the creepers can kill the players," the Creeper snorted. "Kamikaze is always good."

"NO. I want to have some glory!" the Silverfish screamed, slamming his tiny claws on the desk.

"Well you know what? I want to do some good too to please the boss!" the Creeper yelled, stomping the desk with his foot too.

"Oh no," the Spider mumbled. "My legs just came off."

"WHAT?" everybody gasped.

The Spider laughed. "No, I was messing with you guys. My legs are still fine." The monsters resumed their seats, grumbling.

"So, as I was saying," said the Silverfish, glaring at the Creeper with his tiny black eyes. "I suggest using my species for this task, as they are easily concealed by natural blocks."

"Creepers are more common in grasslands, bug," the Creeper snarled. "Why don't you go back to your little stronghold?"

The Silverfish growled. "There is lesser chance of players going into the stronghold! And for you, Creeper, why bother to stick your face out to explode yourself?"

"You've gone too far!" the Creeper yelled, his eyes burning with rage. "I would have you killed if it wasn't for our alliance. Be thankful for that!"

"Oh wow," the Spider muttered. "Why does my leg have to be so easily detached?"

"We all know that's a lie," said the Skeleton.

The Spider gasped. "How did you know?"

"It's obvious," said the Skeleton, trying to roll his eyes with almost-empty sockets. He turned to his comrades. "Guys, why don't we make this even by sending BOTH scouts?"

"Yeah, that's fair," said the Zombie.

"Humph," the two monsters in arguing grunted.

"You're very smart, Skeleton," said the Spider admiringly.

The Skeleton chuckled. "What can I say? I have a genius mind."

A scratchy sound came under the desk. It was high pitched, and very irritating.

"What's that?" asked the Silverfish.

Everybody stopped talking, and stared at the place where the sound was emanating from, which was where the Skeleton was sitting.

"What, are, you, _doing?_" asked the Creeper, forcefully stifling his rage.

"Oh, I'm just playing my bow," said the Skeleton mildly, lifting his bow higher. He brought out an arrow, and started rubbing on the bowstring, _literally_ playing the bow. It produced a squeaky and very unpleasant sound.

"You call that music?" the Silverfish asked incredulously.

"Yup."

"Crazy," the Zombie muttered.

X

"Why did they have to send us together?" a creeper grumbled.

"I don't want to work with you either, but our bosses say so," said a silverfish.

The two monsters were observing the NPC village behind a hill of dirt very close to the village, keeping their eyes on the players. They seemed to be trading with villagers, offering them some items like emerald and stolen wheat.

"Despicable creatures, they are," the silverfish muttered.

"Sure," the creeper agreed. "Trading unfairly; another evidence of their evilness."

"But let us wait more and report what they REALLY are doing." And they continued to observe their targets, hidden by the dirt hill.

**At the Players' Side...**

"Don't you think it's a bit cruel?" asked Will, as Jim handed a piece of wheat to a villager, which was acquired from a farmer's field.

"They don't even care," snorted Jim, pocketing the cash he earned. At once, the villager began to froth, producing purple bubbles.

"Sick," Luke muttered, completely disgusted.

"Neat," Jim giggled, clearly amused.

"Oh yeah, got myself some enchanted tools!" yelled Nathan, as he drew out an enchanted iron sword with Sharpness IV, leaving the priest to froth.

While the priest was frothing, Luke's breakfast made reappearance and everyone hit the ground.

"Now that we got some good items," said Jim enthusiastically. "Time to do the Activity of Life!"

"What's that?" asked Will suspiciously.

"In other words, TIME TO BURN, BABY!" yelled Jim, as he pulled out a flint and steel.

"No!" yelled Luke. "All lives are precious, and those folks just did a huge favor to us! We can't repay their kindness by burning their community!"

"Who cares?" asked Nathan. "They have the IQ of a pig."

Jim completely ignored Luke's protest and began to scratch the flint away, igniting wooden structures while singing.

"_Hi my name is Geoff and I'm a glitchy silverfish, not much else left to say,_" sang Jim, as a house went up in flames.

"What the hell, Jim?" asked Nathan. "Why sing Geoff's Theme?"

"_Oh why don't you, spend some time with me. That would really make my day._" he continued as a villager was consumed to fuel the flames. He sent some sparks to the library, setting the innocent wad of knowledge on a brilliant orange flame.

"You're not the silverfish!" said Luke exasperatedly. "And you're certainly _not_ a glitchy pyro psychopath."

Jim ignored him again, and kept singing. "_I'll glitch across the land, I'll glitch across the sky, I'll keep on glitching 'till the day I die._

"_Oh hi my name is Geoff and I'm a glitchy silverfish, and I'm one -_"

"Stop!" yelled Nathan. "You're destroying a great source of food" he moaned, pointing at a burning wheat field.

"Does it matter?" asked Will.

"Yeah. I mean, food heal us!"

"So? How about Potion of Healing?"

"..."

X

"What is he doing?" the creeper hissed, as he saw Jim dance across the village, burning everything.

"Obviously, he's setting things on fire," said the silverfish.

"So does that mean he's the Arsonist?" the creeper asked disbelievingly.

"Yes, it seems so."

"We must go back," the creeper said frantically. "We must tell them-"

"_Now everything's on fire_," Jim bellowed, as he set the hill on fire. "_But everything's okay, 'cause for Geoff, it's just another day. Oh hi my name is Geoff and I'm a glitchy silverfish. And I wouldn't have it any other way._" He danced back to the village, flint and steel clutched in his hand, leaving the dirt hill blazing with fire.

X

"That would be two pieces of minerals, Spider," said the Creeper. The monsters were playing Gem Domination, which was something like a card game.

"Shit," said the Spider, and he slammed down two lapis lazuli on the desk, where mounds of Tribute Minerals were stocked. The Spider glared at the Creeper, resenting him for making him give away two lapis pieces by drawing the ultimate card: Redstone Dust.

"I think I got it," said the Silverfish, staring at his deck of gems under the table to avoid sneaking from other teammates. He slammed a piece of gold ingot and a piece of diamond in front of him. "Gold and diamond! When Opposites Meet! Take that, Creeper!"

The Creeper growled. "Why did you have to have a diamond?" he whined, as he reluctantly slapped down one of his most precious game piece in deck: a piece of lapis lazuli. The Silverfish smiled with glee, placing his shown cards to the Deposit Deck.

The Skeleton observed his choice under his side of the desk. He had a war of conflict going on in his brain, where one side urged him to sacrifice his Redstone, while the other begged him to save it, and send another material instead.

"Come on, Skeleton, we're waiting," said the Zombie.

"Fine," snapped the Skeleton, as he gave in the Redstone. Somewhere from his brain, a crying sound was to be heard.

The Silverfish stared at the piece of Redstone disbelievingly. "THIS CAN'T BE!" he howled. "WHY DOUBLE DISPOSE? WHY?"

"Get over with it, buggy," said the Zombie, chewing on a leg of some unfortunate Villager.

Still half-sobbing and half-yelling, the Silverfish gave in two diamonds. "THAT WAS THE ONLY KIND AVAILABLE!" he wailed, as he saw his precious minerals being stocked up on the Tribute Deck.

"Now it's my turn," cackled the Spider. "Let's-"

"WAIT!" the Creeper yelled. "Something's coming!" All the monsters stared at the screen, which began to turn on. Co: H-75 came in, mooing wildly.

"Translator!" the Creeper barked. "What is he saying?"

The slime listened to the cow intently, and turned to the monsters. "Player. Fire. Many. Burning. Monsters. Dead," it recited.

"The scouts are dead," the Silverfish said numbly.

"No, it can't be," the Spider mumbled.

"But it is," the Skeleton said grimly.

"The Arsonist."

**The End-NOT**

"Hey guys, did anybody see my second leg on the right side? I lost it," the Spider complained.

"We don't believe that jokes anymore," the Silverfish snorted. "What, you trying to pull the 'Got Your Leg' prank on us?" Everybody else laughed, excluding the Spider.

"No, no, guys, I'm serious," said the Spider. "It's really gone." He lifted his body to show an empty socket on the right side of his body.

Everybody fainted with foams in their mouth.

X

**A/N:**

**HPE24: Whooo, that was long. And I can't bear to think how long would it take for getting rid of the shift-enters. :(**

**Eta7400: :( Mom was around so long that I barely had the chance to open my own laptop but instead, I had to tell her my suggestions. Such a pain.**

**HPE24: Yes, you did help, but again, I did most of the writing.**

**Eta7400: I can't believe I'm saying this but I agree with you. BTW, THE SONG WAS FROM FILFY' ANIMALS ON YOUTUBE, OLD CLAWS OR SOMETHING.**

**HPE24: Indeed. Geoff's Theme-Extended is my most favourite song in the Filfy' Animals series. We don't own the song.**

**Eta7400: But I get the credit of the lyrics as I had to listen to it and write on my own as there was NONE in the internet. Some words were cut off as a damn character interrupted.**

**HPE24: Yup. And Geoff the Glitchy Silverfish is actually called the Arsonist in there, by Detective Claws (ocelot). We recommend this series, as it is very funny, and they are realistic-looking animals.**

**Oh and, for the Gem Domination, I created the rules, and if you want it, I can write it up in the next Author's Notes. Just tell me in the reviews!**

**Eta7400: Personally, I don't get the rules myself and so do you. You admitted that you were just making up as you went.**

**HPE24: After I told you that, I added more, and it makes sense now.**

**Eta7400: Fine. Anyway, you will regret giving me an excuse to reply 'cause you just lost your chance to end this chapter. Anyway, another chapter, I hope you all enjoyed watch out for more!**


End file.
